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Thursday, May 31, 2007

这两天好累。。。好累。。。争吵好累。。。

失眠与等待不会好受。。。。等到不能控制的时候。。。眼泪也会不争气的落下。。。。

这两天的情绪正处在低潮期。。。

接下来，要忍耐的还有更多更多。。。我行吗？

有时好没信心。。。。

不知道为何，我经常渴望有被需要的感觉。。。。有被注意的感觉。。。因为这能让我觉得我在你心目中的地位有多重要。。。这就是我渴望的安全感。。。就算懂，但还是想确认.....我不懂你会了解吗？

昨日空虚的我也只求借一点的时间来陪。。。几分钟也就足够让我感到安慰。。。也能让我感觉到你的关心。。。让我感觉到你想让我开心的心意。。。增添安全感。。。但最后又是我另一个多想的希望。。。。之后的我把失望化成难过。。。难过又渐渐的化成一滴滴不争气的泪水。。。。感觉自己好没用。。。

我讨厌这样的我。。。为何一开始我要抱着希望？

希望要抱得少，那失望也不会多。。。但说得容易。。。做的时候刚好相反。。。。

我正努力的学习着如何独立地充实的过每一天。。。。

这不容易。。。

希望在学习当中能得到包容。。。。

谢谢身边给予我支持。。。陪伴我的朋友。。。

12:51:00 AM

Monday, May 28, 2007

是不是又回来了？那讨厌的感觉又回来了。。。为何会这样？

寂寞的侵略不好受。。。但相信我只要不独处，情况就不会那么糟。。。我想吃些甜甜的食物。。。或许会好过些。。。

男人永远不会懂。。。。

再见

6:00:00 PM

Saturday, May 26, 2007

It's been a monotonous day for me today, rather unproductive... rather alone within the four walls of the room.......

Some thoughts.......

我应该要学会习惯。。。。因为我的适应能力比你差。。。比你遭。。。
难道就不能表现多一点紧张。。。多一些在意吗？

有可能男人很难了解女人为何要想那么多。。。更何况是体谅。。。。

对于，女人的胡思乱想对男人来说只不过能用两个字形容： “无聊”，要不就三个字：“神经病”。。。听完这些，相信没有一个女人会感到开心吧。。。
看来男人或许不会懂得女人为何总会胡思乱想。。。。。
胡思乱想的能力。。。每个女人多多少少都会有一些，好难控制。。。有的时候身不由己。。。有谁不想轻轻松松的什么也不想。。。开开心心的？但这对感情用事的女人来说，真的很不容易。。。

这些男人会懂吗？我想很难吧。。。

减少胡思乱想的药方。。。。
其实女人只不过想要被哄。。。被重视。。。。听一些安慰人的话。。。多一些细心关心的举动。。。有一些小惊喜。。。多些拥抱。。。就会有多一丝的安全感。。那胡思乱想也就自然会减少了。。。。

这些听起来并不难。。。但男人必须要先体谅女人,
愿意去包容后，才有可能做到这些简单的动作。。。

如果少了体谅。。。。多了些责备的话语。。。这样只会导致女人有更多的胡思乱想。。。。

这些男人会懂吗?
会了解吗?
会愿意去体谅吗？

9:46:00 PM

其实从早上那通电话起，我已经猜到有十成的把握今晚的结果会是这样。。。。

星期五原本是我每个星期最期待的一天。。。因为那天是我们必定会见面的一天。。。可是这个星期五，不同了。。。好像都不一样了。。。。连一分种的时间也见不上。。。。原本有。。。又变成没有。。。

这几天，好累。。。每晚都在等待。。。等待很辛苦。。。
失眠。。。不安。。。是我自愿的。。怪不了谁。。。

这两天，更遭。。。连传简讯都不行。。电话打不通。。。。。又得等待对方来联络我。。。。我感觉好累。。。但又不想睡。。。等得好累。。
怎么每次都是我在等。。。。

叹气。。。

原本准备的事情。。。今天也无法完成。。。原本的迫不期待好像也已渐渐冷却。。。

我今天，无聊地在街上乱逛。。。。。虽然明明是好累。。。好多事情没做。。。但仍然坚持不回家。。。。就因为怕自己会胡思乱想。。。我选择用不断说话的方式来分散我的注意力。。。。我仿佛就像个可笑的小丑。。。说着一些无聊的话语来掩饰自己的不愉快。。。。

我没有怪谁。。。是我的问题。。是我无聊吧。。。。神经有毛病。。。。Juz felt like complaining....

突如其来好讨人厌！

我不喜欢那种等待的感觉。。。但自己却拼命要等。。。是我自找的。。。。怪不了谁。。。。都说我神经了。。。神经的人哪来什么理智呢？好可笑。。。。

今天感觉心情有些低落。。。明天就会没事了。。。

只是想感叹。。。。

我原本最期盼的一天。。。怎么会变成这样？

2:22:00 AM

Thursday, May 24, 2007

今晚的我，坐立不安，心情七上八下的，复杂得很。。。。

是我过分紧张吗？

今晚，发现原来等待可以那么难熬。。。那么辛苦。。。

原本以为我可以忍受，可以接受也可以若无其事。。。。但现在发觉或许从一开始我就没有真正放开过。。。。我并没有想象中那么宽宏大量。。。我是自私的。。。是吝啬的
是我不好......
我应该相信你。。。但我无法阻止自己不去想象那种种坏的可能性。。。。我没办法。。真的 :-(

但那种守株待兔的等待实在不好受。。。明明知道想了也于事无补。。但头脑仍然拼命想。。。明明知道做也没有能力做到些什么。。。所以也只能呆呆地坐在这里等待消息。。。

我等你。。。我全心全意等你的消息。。。

我正耐心地等待着晴天的到来。。。。

我还要等多久呢？

11:43:00 PM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Okie back again...... it's been bad weather nowadays... with high and low temperatures fluctuating up and down.... it's tough deciding whether to bring a jacket to school a not... sighz :-x
there seems to be endless amount of work to do.. when u finish this.. u start worrying about other untouched tasks...... lining up one by one for u to complete....

Deadlines.... are deadly........they can suck a lot esp when they are all placed near each other.... but without deadlines i guess ntg can be done........ Tests sucks too.. but without them i guess i won't force myself to learn something..........

I got a ticketing test tmr....... shucks!!!!!......yes there is bound to be some fear element within me...... that's for sure.... i'm an IT idiot...... ha! guess i juz have to cross my fingers and hope for the best......... hoping that i can pass....I'm already feeling quite sleepy now... but i guess i have to force myself to read through the notes... :-x sighz....... oh and I haven't start on my music portfolio too..... and it's due next week.........

Lack of sleep nowadays is making me feel tired and out of place........ i really missed taking afternoon naps........those stress-free holidays........nowadays i can barey keep my eyes open..tend to space out a lot into my own world too...

Thoughtzzzzzzzzz

我会在这里耐心地等着在异国的你回来。。。。

喜欢被宠爱的感觉。。。喜欢你因为我而感到百感交集，慌慌张张的，这些感觉仿佛象一种毒，我中了毒，染上了瘾，现在怎么戒也戒不掉。。。。怎么办？

你想表达给我的那首歌，我想对你说我好喜欢。。。也很开心。。。只要有心意的存在。。。我都能感受的到。。。。

你说的每一句话，你写的每一行字，我都会牢牢的把它深记在心里。。。只因在乎你。。。

*我知道不容易，但还是希望能够得到你再一次的包容。。。。 *

*无论，我做错了什么。。。我仍然坚持的认为我对你的真心从来不会少一分*

*请你一定要相信我*

............................................

*My dreams came true, When I found you...
It all seems like a miracle...My miracle...*

P/s: wish me luck for tmr's test!!!

10:32:00 PM

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I'm finally back with a new post.....

It's been many days since i last blogged... been busy preparing issues presentations... i got one last friday.. and another one today.... finally over... but of course i still got loads more work to be done ...sighz... juz gotta overcome it one at a time...

But despite the fact that i know complaining gets me no where.... i still feel the NEED to complain to someone... or else i might juz explode..............

Some Thoughts tt i wld like to pen down ............

这段简单的字就有能力让我感觉好开心。。。第一次读到我想要读到的字。。。

"有一种让我很想飞的感觉，仿佛走到了天堂
甜甜的感觉。。。幸福的味道
只有你能让我有这种感觉和味道。。。
很想对你说 I LOVE YOU!!!!"

我一直有着想一读再读的感觉。。。

读了一遍又一遍。。。。仍然不足够。。。突然感觉好幼稚

其实感觉奇妙难以形容

今天你的那几句称赞我的话，就足够让我把疲劳暂时忘掉。。。
感觉好开心.........
这也给于我写字的灵感与动力。。。。突然渐渐发觉你也许就是我写字大部分的原动力。。。

你拥有着控制我的情绪的遥控器。。。

我突然发觉我情绪的好坏大部分都是来自于你。。。

能把遥控器还给我吗？

12:12:00 AM

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Bambi Khoo

Jun, me, Chuan Yi :-p

After Ma la steamboat supper 4am in the morning....

My cable has miraculously worked today.. and i'm able to transfer my photos to the pc haha.. :-p so decided to post a recent photo of Bambi and this photo as a memory of a night out with the taiwan actor, ex-member of comic boys, Wang Chuan Yi.... haha...he is called Yuan yi in "Er mo zai sheng bian".... :-p Surprisingly he is a student of the hai die in Taiwan... learning guitar from laoshi too.... he is miles away from Yuan yi...........

Sunday afternoons can be boring....... esp within four walls....i need to get some work done... halfway thru i'm writing this........ gosh! I dunno how to do OB tutorial.... sianz...........only did the MCQs.........sighz....... i need a holiday again....... i think of all the reflections i need to do this sem.......all the issue presentations.......... I feel so sian.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okie it's time for me to get back to work..............

*真的觉得不会过分依赖就好了。。。学习独立的过程并不会好受。。。*

我正在努力当中。。。。

但还是超爱依赖你。。。我的喜好就是依赖你。。。
不知道我的依赖对你是否是一种负担吗？

2:59:00 PM

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Tomorrow's a Sunday... guess it's homely day for me..... stuck within the four walls of my room..... guess i might blog again tomorrow... well depends... not that i really have got nothing to do... in fact i have work to do........ it's juz that i prefer to idle my time away.... ha!

Staying alone at home shouldn't be too bad.... not like it's never happened before... it's juz that i was actually expecting the presence of someone at first.... but it eventually turn out to be a careless letdown.... it was not deliberate.. but the disappointment element will certainly be there... i will be lying if i said there isn't.....so wun deny it....

However, i must say that; the hugs, the kisses and the words of console and assurance did helped to soothe the insecurities within me... I felt better tt way..but the disappointment factor remains....i try not to show it too much though....to be honest, i'm not looking forward to tomorrow as much as i have looked forward to today , yesterday night....

What is the definition of over-dependence on someone? Is it the urge to meet a person every possible minute of everyday? Is it the experience of pure disppointment when the meeting was cancelled? What is over-dependency? What are the reasons causing it? What qualities make up over-dependency?

到底，我算不算是过度依赖？那到底恋爱和依赖又有什么不同？

也许，只有象我这样的白痴才会问这样的愚蠢问题吧。。。

拥抱。。。吻还有肯定的安慰句子。。。的确让我感觉比较安慰。。。。没有在责怪谁, 但不知为何失望仍固执的留在心中的一个角落倔强的不肯离去。。。。

怎样才能去除不必要的失望心情呢？

我还在思考当中。。

但我相信我是开心的。。。

11:52:00 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

I'm suppose to be doing some work but i was feeling quite weak ... and eventually i fell asleep ... :-x.. damn... after waking up.. i feel guilty for sleeping ... ha!.. but what's done already done... the truth is my work is still undone.... sianz...........Wouldnt be amazing if i wake up one day.. open my thumbdrive and realise all my work is done already haha... wishful thinking..... the works of ghost? but we work to live isnt' it?

I watched the bridge to terabithia yesterdaY....and i think it's a waste of time....... it's all about imagination... and in the movie itself nothing really took place for real..... it's juz about a few school kids imagining the impossible...... i preferred Narnia....although Spiderman3's plot is a bit ridiculous.. but i still love my hero Spiderman... :-p ha!

*我其实以为今天能早点见面。。。*

*最后却一直呆在家里。。。。*

*最后，发现其实有许多事情并不是我想要我就会有的。。。也得要你想才行。。。*

*但如果晚上会合是最好的，我会接受。。。*

*我正一步步的走向独立。。。。是时候学了。。。*

没办法。。。不然自己不好受。。。

4:02:00 PM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Juz another long long day in school.. tomorrow i gotta wake up at around 7 too.. for ticketing.... hope i will be able to cope.. :-x anyway been having cramps the whole of today... :-x sighz..... it's tuff being a woman i guess....there are pros and cons i guess...

I got a sleepless night last night... slept at around 5 plus yesterday....... :-x..i guess i juz think too much on certain stuffs, to the point that i can't control...... one of the pms tradmarks i guess..
but for this month it seems to be quite serious........ my mood can swing from hyper to the extreme down these days... the insecurities.. the uncertain moods.... hoping to seek your understanding the most....

*原谅我的无理。。。最近感觉好难控制自己的情绪。。。情绪的低潮的确也不会好过。。。请相信我。。。*

*吵架真的好累。。。有一种好难呼吸的感觉。。。就象是一个隐形的怪物不断往我身上压。。压得好辛苦。。。我也真的不想。。*

*老实说，你昨天给我的冷漠眼神和态度的确伤得不少。。。我真的也不想再看见这样的你。。。好可怕。。。心痛*

昨日的我。。。眼睛又不听话了。。。:-x

真的不好过。。。难受得很。。。

11:54:00 PM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I went to school early today for a project group meeting ... turn out we are not dicussing something relevant to the consultation today... sighz..ha! I dunno but i seem to be slower to grasp what every project is about until on the later stages.... i noe there's a lot to do... for individual presentation.....for biz ent.... and many more......... etc.. it's a scary thought to think about all these........

Group projects can be a headache.... individual projects give me a headache too.. only difference is i'm working at my own pace....Been feeling more emotional and insecure these days.. guess it's pms again! sighz....my mood swings from one end to another....... and i constantly need more assurance and confirmation words and actions from the people i care about......
These few days...Any form of neglect..... will lead to huge amounts of insecurity............
I'm guess everyone suffers from moments of insecurity..... mine seems to be a monthly case ha!...:-x Gosh!

p/s: I appreciate the corn soup... although it's not hot anymore...... but it's the thought that counts...:-p glad that u willingly bought it for me without me having to ask u....thks..looking forward to ur next thoughful act... :-p

*我答应过。。。应该想少一些。。。这样才会快乐些。。。但我没信心我能做到。。。。，因为我是一个想太多的人。。你能谅解和包容吗？*

*一些微不足道的忽略，就能让我不由自主的胡思乱想。。。。然后跌入没有安全感的大海里。。* :-x

我喜欢沟通。。。不喜欢安静。。。所以喜欢说话。。。。
*我喜欢主动的关怀举动。。。主动的惊喜。。。主动的拥抱。。。主动的慰问。。主动的爱心举动。。。还有。。。。主动的种种举动。。。*

12:05:00 AM

Saturday, May 05, 2007

有时候，希望自己是空气。。。希望自己是一个没有生命，没有感觉的物体。。。
少了人生的种种感觉，不知道又是什么感觉呢？少了人类种种复杂的感觉。。。少了快乐，悲伤，欢乐，眼泪，愤怒。。。会更好吗？

有时有了希望，跌倒，摔伤的机会就越高。。。无论理由的合理，无论理由有多么充分仍然还是有失落的存在。。。怪自己，人生本来就可以有突如其来的权力，谁也阻止不了。。。

我没有失望的权力。。但无论我多么想掩饰心中的那些不开心的情绪，我还是没出息的在不知不觉中显露出来。。。。我其实并不应该有不开心的情绪，因为有充分理由的存在。。。。是我没用吧。。。我还是无法阻止不开心的情绪，无法若无其事。。。。。这些情绪不是我想要的。。。

或许，我没有谅解，突如其来的天分。。。。我不知道为何会这样。。。我也不想。。。。如果把所有的不满表露出来。。。又会显得不够善解人意和无理取闹。。。。但我无法表现若无其事，因为我其实在意。。是我不对。。。不过，心情的好坏，也不会延续到永远。。。不开心的情绪，也会隋着时间平复下来。。。

我恨自己的反应，但我真的有尽力去除掉这种不良情绪。。。但最后还是失败了。。。

我忍得辛苦，但其实知道没什么大不了。。。但还是没法若无其事。。。是我没用。。我其实只想听听一些哄人的话。。。。

从你说，开始怕的那一刻起。。心中有一种痛的感觉。。
开始失去信心。。。
眼睛又不听话，感觉视线有些模糊。。。感觉眼角热热的。。。

突然，觉得有点冷.... 想找个人来陪。。。

可惜的是空荡荡的屋里，仿佛只有我一个人还是清醒的。。。清醒的等着你的归来。。。我拒绝沉睡。。。

我发泄后，就该没事了。。。。现在是凌晨3 点钟。。。我继续等着。。。耐心的等着。。

6:36:00 PM

Friday, May 04, 2007

Today's a sleepy day for me... the rainy weather......... the typical weather in which u will juz wanna snooze in bed under that warm blanket.. and sleep all the hours away.........

I was exceptionally hungry during Zhang wei's lesson this morning...... i can call that starving.. maybe coz i skipped breakfast... but i skip almost everyday.. so i didnt really expected the strong hunger pangs at around 1030am in the morning halfway thru her lesson.........

This morning, as i was walking towards the lab for my ticketing tutorial.... i suddenly felt a tinge of loneliness........then i thought of all the familiar strangers in my class..... i took a deep breath...and reminded myself...... That's Life.... ha! I was early...... so i juz sat down and kept quiet........ and indulge in all my thinking about life..........maybe all that thinking makes me hungry faster........

mOving on to other issues....

It's been quite frustrating for me nowadays, as u have been having diffculty in receiving my smses... if i'm lucky u will receive it... if not.... no matter how many times i sent the same message u didnt receive it..... :-x sighz... this has been a problem for quite some time.... even after u discarded ur previous sony handphone.... changed ur sim card... changed a phone ....but nothing seems to work..... the same problem still recurring... oh Gosh!!! :-x I juz hope that u can get it fixed soon..... coz it's driving me nuts.....!!!

“利用”的定义在哪里？如果你拜托一个人在没有任何好处的情况下，帮你做事情。。那在某个程度上算不算是一种利用？

或许，“利用”和“帮助” 只是一线之差。。。

*可能我不是一个能轻易相信别人的人。。。可能因为一些过去。。让我对身边的人有了戒心。。。也相信了人可以变得很虚假。。是为了保护自己而已。。。并没有任何恶劣的动机存在。。。*

最近，在学校里我就是提不起精神。。。每天一离开，快乐是神仙。。。在学校，我是一条虫。。。在学校外，我将化身为一条龙。。。

但今天，你真的逗得我好开心。。你让我把原本的不开心暂时忘掉。。。让我微笑。。也让我大笑。。。
还有，我也非常喜欢昨天的惊喜。。。希望往后还会有这样的惊喜。。。。:-p

这样的惊喜让我快乐是神仙。。。:-p

期待明天会更好。。。

12:59:00 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Labour day is a special day coz it's the first day in which "Spiderman 3" officially starts showing.....:-p i cant watch it yet of course ... coz of work..... Sighz... :-x

It's juz passed labour day now...... i spent labour day... providing labour to Sembawang Cd shop haha :-p k k i noe it's not funny...:-x I'm still down with the irritating flu.... the runny nose.... the irritating sore throat...the phlegm.... sighz.... ;-x...

Today was quite a busy day.... the many cartons of stock to do.... :-x....the customer flow was average ...today being a public holiday....... anyway one word to describe today "SIAN".....:-x
Luckily after work... i get to taste corn soup and herbal sweets ... nothing really extraordinary but it's important to me.... and i love it.... thks a lot! :-p Taste Great!

I got a long day in School tomorrow... one BIG sigh......"haizz"............
all the way till 7pm in the evening.. another word.. one BIG Sian......"Sianz"..........
It's tuff being a human.... when there's work to do.... i wan to rest... but when i get to rest for too long... i begin to feel useless..uneasy.... and i wan to work asap........and when i finally work.. i wan to rest again... Oh gosh!..... when will i ever be contented with my current situation....

Anyway i finally know my class mates.... ya juz as expected... a few "familiar" faces.. i'm supposed to know them but in fact i dun really know them personally... so basically ...I'm in a class filled with Familiar Strangers... to be exact.... it's the best description... coz i wouldnt dare classify them all in the Complete strangers category.... i seen them around... but juz dunno them...

As for....My project group mates.. i still dun really know them well enuff to judge them... let me juz hope for the best..... :-p and hope that we can cooperate well together !!!

*希望你真的懂了。。。*

*感受到改变。。。开心。。。真的开心*

这样的改变能继续延续下去吗？。。

*希望接下来不必再教导。。。希望你在我没说明的情况下，还是能清清楚楚的了解我的需要。。。。*

**虽然说过并非为谁而写。。。但如果真的得知被读的话。。还是会有种奇妙的开心感觉。。。。说起来也奇怪。。。它给我写的动力*

希望你真的了解了。。。。

12:41:00 AM